I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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