he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
