im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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