youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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