I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
