You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
