I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
