My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
