tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
