He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
