there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
