hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
