Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
