Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
