I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
