I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
