I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
