I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize