this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
