I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
