She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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