When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
