The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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