gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
