The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
oh god the rape fog is back!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
