just tell him i said nine months
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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