9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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