News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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