I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
