What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
