At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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