I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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