I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
