Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
