Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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