is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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