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• (503): View more from Oregon

  i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

  (360): View more from Washington

  let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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• (989): View more from Michigan

  you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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• (515): View more from Iowa

  brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people

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• (315): View more from New York

  She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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• (228): View more from Mississippi

  Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.

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• (320): View more from Minnesota

  Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."

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• (714): View more from California

  Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.

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