it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
