he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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