You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize