Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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