they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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