i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
