Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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