I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
