It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
