My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
