my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
