Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
