Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
