My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Is Oprah even human
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
