jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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