I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
