why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
