Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
