I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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